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Needless to say, I wasn’t very popular amongst women my own age (though I did have plenty of female friends) and though I’d had a girlfriend for over year, we did everything but have sex before we broke up. In other words: I was still a virgin. It remained one of my deepest insecurities.These factors often resulted in clashes with Emma, who had a tendency to complain a lot about how hard life was. I was certainly jealous of her looks and her family’s wealth, but I hated when she acted like a spoiled brat, complaining about how long rehearsal was or how she didn’t get the part she wanted.It was clear that even if she went on to attempt an acting career, she’d still have her family’s wealth to fall back on. Meanwhile, a career in the arts was a huge risk for someone like me. As such, I was always quick to call her on her bullshit. It definitely wasn’t something she was used to, so she was bound to lash out one of these days.“So why don’t you believe her?” I asked Mr. James.“Should. He was almost twenty years older that me, and divorced. We met at a Hunt Ball, and before the evening was over he had told me that next time we met, he would give me a whipping. I was shocked and frightened, but I couldn’t stay away. He phoned me at home four days later, crafty bugger, leaving it until I had almost given up hope of a phone call. I am not like you. I never dreamed and fantasised about spanking and submission, and at first I hated it, but I loved him too much to resist. Then suddenly, one day he was caning me hard, and I realised that I was loving it. Not so much the pain, but the helplessness and surrender. I was totally his. ‘The difference with Philip is quite simply that he doesn’t frighten me. He plays the games, and he plays them well, with panache, but with Walter there was always a tinge of real fear there somewhere in the mixture. I know that Philip won’t really push me beyond my limits, but Walter always might, and I miss that thrill. You’re different from.
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